My name is Chelsea, and I am a Stay At Home Mom.

My maternity leave is over.  I won't be going back to work.  I am so happy to have the opportunity to stay at home with Jaxon, but I am really REALLY sad to have to leave my job.  I absolutely love my job.  I am the event coordinator at OrangeSoda.com.  I get to plan trade shows, workshops, company parties, and other fun events.  It is challenging, exciting, fun, and so rewarding.  I also get to travel on the company's dime.  How awesome is that?!  Before me, there was no one in my position.  Because I was the first event coordinator, I had the freedom to make it whatever I wanted.  Every filing system and every spreadsheet was created by me.  But alas, all of these duties are a thing of the past.

If I could have it my way, I would be Chelsea- working woman in the day, stay at home mom in the afternoon.  I went into my work office last week and pleaded my case to work part time.  I think I could do an awesome job at working partly from home and I could go into the office once or twice a week if needed.  However, this was not an option.  I cried and cried wishing I could have the best of both worlds.  I had to make a decision.  It was black and white.  Be a full time working mom OR a full time stay at home mom.  I knew what I was going to choose since the day I got pregnant, but it was the hardest thing in the world to actually say the words out loud.  I am leaving my position...the position I spent a whole year working to get...to be a stay at home mom.

I don't know why this has been so hard for me to handle.  It's like I need a 12 step program on "How to Leave Work and Stay Home".  What's wrong with me?  I think it is because up until having Jaxon, who I am as a person has been defined by what I do.  I spent 4 years of college studying for a degree for the purpose of landing a great job.  When I got hired as a nobody in my company, I spent every day plotting on how I would make it into the marketing department.  When I finally got the chance to prove myself, I didn't want to let anyone down.  I worked hard every day to go above and beyond what was expected until I was finally offered my position.  It wasn't about the money (because let's be honest- i wasn't getting paid a lot).  It was about being at a company I loved and in a position I loved even more and being happy when I drove to work everyday.  When you spend 8 hours a day/ 40 hours a week doing one thing, it kind of becomes a part of who you are.  Now that I am not working, I feel like I don't know who I am.  I know I am a mom to a beautiful baby boy, but what else?  I am terrified of losing myself and losing who I am as a person.  To be a good mom, I think it is important to find time for yourself and not lose your talents.  I want to be a good example and show my kids I can do more than just make a mean lasagna and get tough stains out of laundry, but now I don't know how.  How can I balance being a rock star mom while not losing who I am as an individual?

I heard something the other day that sounds like it is probably a quote on a bathroom mirror somewhere.

"Who I am is not what I do.  

I am not defined by my job."

I need to remember this is true.  I need to remember that I am not my job.  If I died tomorrow, what will people say about me.  I hope they don't say stuff like, "She was the best at organizing her desk and always color coded her folders according to months."  No.  I want to be remembered as a great wife, mother, daughter, and friend. 

I am honestly happy to have the chance to be at home with Jaxon.  I know many mothers don't have the chance to stay at home, and I am so glad I do have that opportunity.  Just today I was thinking about the miracle of life and how crazy it is that this little person entered into this world.  Having a baby has taught me so much- mostly to be selfless.  Today there was a moment where on my left I had Jaxon screaming at the top of his lungs, and on my right I was covered in poo- but I didn't even care.  I was so concerned about him and how he felt and getting him into the bathtub- I didn't even care about myself.  Having a baby has made me realize how selfish I used to be.  My thoughts used to be about when I was going to buy my next cute pair of jeans or what movie I was going to see over the weekend.  Now everything revolves around Jaxon.  Every noise he makes causes me to drop everything, and every meal I eat only comes after feeding him first.  I now realize what it means to give yourself to something or someone fully, because that is all I do.  So, I need to remember- leaving my job is not the end of the world.  It's just a chapter in my life closing for a bit while a new chapter begins.  And you know what...I like this new chapter...a lot.  I hope in the middle of this new adventure I can still find a way to do things for myself every once in a while.  I know as much as I loved my job, nothing in this world will ever be more rewarding than being a mom.  Nothing.